Labanna Babalon Photographed by Emma Kathan
Don’t give up. The muse will not forever be used. The capitalistic regime is dying, as parts of ourselves are as well. The importance in reflecting on the past is imperative as we are re-birthed into a new state of consciousness. I no longer feel attached to a lot of the imagery below, yet my intuition found it very important to share for the synchronicity is too loud to ignore.
When I was stripping in LA a couple years ago, I met a man and invited him to a friends house I was house sitting for because I was homeless at the time. I had been very destructive, putting myself into situations where I was obviously being used. It was a lesson that I desperately needed to concretely understand. To the point I intuitively knew something was wrong so I only had a sip of the cocktail the man and his friends brought me. Thankfully I was aware enough to scream rape when they put a pillow over my head, knowing their intentions were to all have sex with me. They bolted along with my friends computers. Instead of reporting it, I Facebook-ed my rapist, threatening to go to the police if I didn’t get the computers back. I had a good friend of mine drive me and meet them behind the liquor store. When I handed them the money they demanded for the exchange, I warned them of the weight of the cash they were about to receive. My shamanic teacher Pierre, when relaying the story, remarked that one of them is no longer with us.
That was not the only time I had been sexually abused. I lost my virginity unwillingly as well. Although that situation was much more about the lack of education for both sexes, on the subject of rape. This is a theme that has come up so many times that at this point if I don’t address it, I fear I will repeat the experience again. I know that in this life I do not have to, so I am doing everything I can to end this karmic pattern. Including making myself incredibly vulnerable, which in this society is judged as weakness, which in fact it is very much the opposite. This is not a story about being a victim, this a story about my victory.
When I first moved to New York City, seven years ago I went to see a psychic for a ten dollar palm reading on Horatio and Hudson. A few hours later after two visits and all the money in my pocket I still couldn’t really remember what she said. Something about paying 1000 dollars to make a gold, silver, and brass protection pyramid from demons that I could not keep, and that I would meet my soul-mate at the end of the summer. My roommate that was waiting for me in the park was very confused about why I had been gone so long and why I had spent all of my money just for that information. I brushed it off until a few months later when I was dosed on ¼ of an ⅛ of mushrooms in South Philadelphia. I was walking home with a new friend and we were giggling, enchanted by the beautiful gardens and their flower deities until we came upon a house that had its windows blacked out. I was drawn to it and even felt a force pulling me in towards it. My friend grabbed my hand and in the tiniest little girl voice said, “Sarah NO!” (I had never told her my first name). As she said that, a very scary looking demon thing came out of the house and created this vortex of pain behind me. It looked like a gargoyle pit bull made of ashes. If I had run into the house I would have been lost in a dimension where the demon could torture me. Thankfully, my friend knew to hold me tight and at that moment I realized I did not have to fear it and then the demon left as fast as it came. We continued our walk home in silence until I recalled what the psychic had told me months prior.
She had taken me to the astral plane. It was just our chairs and the tarot surrounded by limitless nothingness, carpeted with rolling fog. She said I took you here because the demon that is after you is ancient and incredibly powerful. I don’t usually do this but I know that you, yourself are a witch and it’s important for you to defeat this demon for all of us. In this life you can. In that moment we felt its threatening presence again. My friend asked if we could not talk about it until we got back to her house which she said would be safe. When we arrived she shared with me a poem that she had written earlier that day which was written in cryptic, slanted, squiggly writing inside of a drawn pyramid. She then started to do automatic writing and had no control over her hand. She wrote about being abused and it was from a child’s perspective. The jargon was dated and it ended with being impaled. As she finished we felt the demonic presence again. This time I screamed at it leave immediately, and it did.
More of what the psychic had told me flooded my memory. She said that in my past life my father had sexually and physically abused my sisters and me. Our mother didn’t believe us and so we all took our lives. I choked myself to death. When I was a 11 in this life I had fixation with asphyxiation and an extreme hatred for my parents. I’m sure it was when I had killed myself in my last life. The psychic said suicide holds extreme karmic repercussions and the lessons are repeated in the next life as retribution. Hence I feel it so important to share even though its so personal.
While discussing it more and more with my friend, we drew parallels to the movie The Virgin Suicides. One of the sisters fell on a fence, and another hung herself. The house in the movie even looked like the one where we saw the demon. That was my first taste of the Hollywood entertainment industry being closely entangled with the occult.
This very quiet kid was persistent in getting my entire attention. We sat down over lunch, he usually ate at the silent table. He told me that he had a message he was told to give me. He had woken up on the ground naked, shivering, covered in sweat, and in excruciating pain. He seemed traumatized even bringing it up again. He had been taken inside a spaceship and encrypted with information. Often abductees experience replacing the unknown with something familiar. He was in a diner, at a booth. It wasn’t long before he realized that the whole place was alive: the table, the napkin dispenser, the jukebox, everything in sight. They all looked at him with recognition. A cement glowing monolith approached. He knew this was a highly evolved sentience. The monolith passed along the knowledge that it was forged in such hatred that it only could be utilized by love. The time would come in which that power must be harnessed. It was very important for him to pass this information on. He awoke to being on a cold metal slab, having his levels read by glowing aliens. A brighter, comforting, female alien with bright blue eyes apologized for the pain in having to bring him there but she said that to bring me was dangerous for me and they could not risk it. I didn’t know then but I was pregnant with the psychic’s predicted soul mate. We had been seeing space ships every night and orbs were flying into our tent while sleeping. I didn’t know what it meant until I discovered what the sentient cement monolith was made from.
Years later, I was in LA hiking on mushrooms at Murphy’s Ranch looking for Tesla coils and other occult artifacts. As we approached the canyon, there were a series of cement bases for huge buildings, that fit into one another. I felt a strange ether from them and even stood on top of them. I felt the cement speaking to me, but I did not yet know what it was saying. But understood it later, an ancient story of control. So dark, i’d rather not communicate just yet.
The intentions of this article are much more about letting go of this karmic relation to the anti love discourse we have been fed for millennia. All life should be valued. Understanding the fear in which we become is the first step in healing. Seeing it as a path that no longer relevant. Closing the door so a new can open. The wounds will clot, new scars will be had until the pattern is recognized. See the serendipitous misfortunes as guides to what can be let go of. It’s like a dam in your river, the water will continue to push on the weak spots until leaks pursue. We can unbuild the walls around our hearts and evolve. I believe this with my entirety. I believe in your strength and our collective consciousness undermining unnecessary barriers while destroying the limitations of love.